New Year's Eve shortchanging a sign of biggest problem
By Cam
Items that may grow up to be columns, Vol. XII, Chapter 13:
CHEAPSKATES: Maybe the reason the Edmonton Oilers are last in the Western Conference isn't that they don't like drafting, signing or trading for forwards over five feet tall or that most of their defencemen play offence or that they have a whole bunch of backup goalies but no starter.
Maybe the real problem is that they are as thick as bricks.
How smart do you have to be to figure out that if you pick a pretentious, expensive restaurant to take a party of 45 people, on New Year's Eve of all nights -- in Calgary of all places, as opposed to some city where you're not, say, despised -- the proprietors are apt to stick you with an obscene bill at the end of the night?
And once the inevitable happens, and you are faced with a $16,000 tab, how cheap does it make you look, professional hockey players with average salaries of $2 million a year, to argue and whine and threaten until you settle for $12,000, including tip -- quibbling, in essence, over a difference of $200 for each of the 20 players in attendance?
Normally, when coaches say their players refuse to "pay the price," they're not referring to a restaurant bill, but if the skate fits ...
SHORT ARMS, DEEP POCKETS: Still, we do take exception to the characterization of hockey players as the cheapest athletes in pro sports, an allegation made by my old National Post running mate Roy MacGregor in the Globe and Mail.
It's been accepted wisdom for years, among the few who've got close to him, that no one squeezed a nickel harder than billionaire (at least, he used to be) golfer Tiger Woods, who was such a notorious skinflint when paying restaurant and bar bills, the rumour was that someone would always have to go along behind him, mollifying the servers with supplementary tips.
And this despite the fact that the waitresses often dispensed exceptional service.
BAH, HUMBUG: Let us just say this about the world junior hockey championship, and Canada's mission to win a sixth consecutive gold medal: to treat the annual victory as though it's some sort of miraculous occurrence is at best disingenuous and at worst jingoistic, akin to Americans going all teary-eyed when Team USA wins the Olympic gold medal in basketball. Which by the way, most Americans don't.
We have every imaginable advantage over any other nation represented in the tournament, we attach more importance to it, and Hockey Canada has devised a team-building blueprint that is so formulaic, it defies minor considerations like the level of individual talent on any given Team Canada. And good for us. But with all due respect to the boys' effort level, can't we just admit it's an upset if anyone else wins?
NOT EASY BEING GREEN: The other shoe dropped in the Eric Tillman saga Monday, which surely spells the end of the redhead's days as general manager of the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Tillman's guilty plea to a summary charge of sexual assault of a then 16-year-old babysitter in the summer of 2008 -- notwithstanding testimony that he was doped up on painkillers and muscle relaxants that day -- must soon be followed by either his resignation or re-assignment, if not dismissal. The guilty plea doesn't change the fact that Tillman is a gifted recruiter and team architect, but however minor his punishment by the courts may turn out to be, clearly he can no longer remain the face of the franchise in the CFL's most transparent fishbowl.
ONE HAND CLAPPING: We've probably lost our last shred of dignity from responding like trained seals when arena loudspeakers yell at us to "Make Some Noise!" or scoreboards tell us when to cheer (because otherwise, how would we know?). But just in case we have a little left, let's make sure we don't accidentally do anything spontaneous at any hockey game involving Team Canada. Remember: it is our duty as Canadians to go only with the official, soft drink company-sponsored "Eh! Oh! Canada, Go!" cheer that has been duly approved by an exhaustive poll of national television-watching sheep. Especially important that we don't embarrass Team Canada at the Olympics with some non-approved bit of shouting. It could upset the whole apple cart.
MAN, MYTH, LEGEND: Pound for pound, have you ever seen an NHL fighter more fierce than the Canucks' Rick Rypien? Hockey fights are rarely pretty, but the 5-11, 184-pound Rypien -- who's constantly wading into other teams' heavyweights -- is that rare combination of artist and destroyer who can throw bombs with either hand or jab you into submission. Enjoy him while he lasts.
OLYMPICS OR BUST: Sad story from Sydney, where Oz hurdler Jana Rawlinson, the former world champion (double world champ, actually, pun intended) has decided to have her breast implants removed in hopes of improving her aerodynamics for the 2012 Olympics.
Evidently the 2006 vintage fake boobs -- which she purchased because she didn't want to look like "a couple of girls, who I won't name, in world athletics who are Olympic champions, but they look like men" -- were not performance-enhancing. So, at a total cost for installation and removal of $13,000, she said she will return to "being flat as a pancake" until her competitive career is over, when she will go back in the shop for more work on the front end.
